宝塔空来

骑士之歌

镜:

《洛尔迦的诗》




半夜忽然想记一下。




骑士歌




哥尔多巴城。
辽远又孤零。
  
黑小马,大月亮,
鞍囊里还有青果。
我再也到不了哥尔多巴,
尽管我认得路。
  
穿过平原,穿过风,
黑小马,红月亮。
死在盼望我
从哥尔多巴的塔上。
  
啊!英勇的小马!
啊!漫漫的长路!
我还没到哥尔多巴,
啊,死亡已经在等我!
  
哥尔多巴城。
辽远又孤零。


(戴望舒  译)




骑士之歌




科尔多瓦
孤悬在天涯。

漆黑的小马,圆大的月亮,
橄榄满袋在鞍边悬挂。
这条路我虽然早认识,
今生已到不了科尔多瓦。

穿过原野,穿过烈风,
赤红的月亮,漆黑的马。
死亡正在俯视着我,
在戍楼上,在科尔多瓦。

唉,何其漫长的路途!
唉,何其英勇的小马!
唉,死亡已经在等待我,
等我赶路去科尔多瓦!

科尔多瓦
孤悬在天涯。


(余光中  译)




两个版本都有很喜欢的地方。

Buzz20180504

每次搬家都像落荒而逃。我又度过了混乱的一周。mentally and physically 混乱。疲惫极了,不停睡,做很多梦。醒来都像宿醉后被打了一顿。

上周去了绍兴路的两个书店,差点哭了。因为店面小,因为店家的manner,因为书的堆放方式,和其他。冲动购物买了一本Elliot 一本Bishop和一本Walcott。又去了图书馆。想起了朋友们,想念朋友们。想起了自己曾经是谁、是怎样的。想到了喜欢过(爱着,actually)的男孩子们、以及为什么喜欢他们。

可能是几年来为数不多地感到稳妥的时刻:情绪流动,不感到dreadly dreary,不感到deadly dead,不感到孤军深入,不颠倒梦想,不自我憎恨,不被他人的痛苦折磨。


在城市里走就是记忆不断蒸腾。非常意外在上海图书馆有Lou Agosta。


“Rarely does one say that one wants to become a psychotherapist in order to confront one's personal demons. Rarely does one say thatone wants to engage one's countertransference. Rarely does one saythat, like in the fairy tale, one wants to descend to one's own worst emotional hell and grapple with the anxiety, depression, devaluing judgments, real and imagined tramas, ghosts of the past, fragmentation, and dehumanization lurking there. Rarely does one say it, but it happens. That is what one is in for.”


quit了一个therapist培训项目,打算申请另一个。迟疑不定。实在是太厌恶作为life coaching的心理学。也感到自己的孱弱,站不住助人者的立场。人们为什么会去见therapist?不管他们看起来有各种各样理直气壮的理由,“patients come to us because they suffer”。疾病,归根结底是关于痛苦、以及关于relief痛苦的愿望。也许更多是关于relief 痛苦的愿望。suffering, pretty much, is inevitable,并不是所有人在所有时候都seek therapy.

同学们跟我温暖地告别,感到受宠若惊。

去医院的预约过期了。临床工作者喜欢谈论精神科、神经科、心理科之间的差别,我想起我们以前常常谈论neural, neuronal, neuroscience是多么不同的东西。

非常非常想写一个抑郁症故事。不是关于“跟病魔抗争”故事、不是“被理解接纳流下热泪”那种故事、不是“生活莫名其妙decay了后来恍然大悟原来罪魁祸首是疾病”那种故事、不是“患者的世界长这样你不懂”那种故事。

那些类的故事作为一种advocation当然必要且值得。但,我们难道不能有一个真正的抑郁症故事吗?疾病像雾太阳照耀我们的生活。疾病是一种被动获得的身份,and suffering somehow serves as a reminder of this given identity。


跟therapist的工作仍在继续,换了一个城市开始用视频,想起了很多以前跟动物们工作时的情景(恍若隔世)。在试图把谈话过程录制下来,想着能不能捕捉互动过程中表情、没意识到的小动作的微妙同步/异步。取水杯、捋头发、晃动、触摸五官、沉默、走神、惊讶、掩饰惊讶。说着A的同时却露出指向B的意义不明的表情。

肉眼观察的结论是,在语言和信息交换以外,的确有大量底层的、其他的事件在同时发生。下一步暂时没想好要怎么做。能提炼出一些trait,来捕捉分析它们吗?我们能统计特征表情/动作,并将之跟谈话内容和当时(我体验到的)情感对应起来吗?

跟人工作毕竟不是跟动物工作,我的基本信念是每一个人(even the crazy and the boring ones)都是非常非常不同的个体,具备完整的心智。(在这个意义上我不接受基于社会普遍性和"well being"的精神疾病诊断框架)。

And a voice kept whispering to me that这不是那种拿纳税人钱的创造价值的工作。它很可能只对我有意义。


甚至无法定义自己是以什么样的立场做这个事。不是一名psychologist(I hate psychology)。不是一名behavioral scientist(I got inspiration from beharioral methods but that's not the point, not to mention I lack the necessary sample scale/control group. We are subjectively human, we tease we flirt we lie we fall in love we are haunted by memories. And it's barely science.)不是一名Anthropologist. (I take notes and sketch vignettes,but I don't have a integreted theoretical framework)。


感到自己在原地打转。困惑为什么这么多时间过去了仍然trapped here。(cuz you lack courage, you are not diligent enough.)


“理解”是一个什么样的事?


一个系统在大量互动之后达到稳态吗?过冷水凝结的一瞬吗?一种范式的渐进更新吗?but I'm not a scientist。

the other mind存在吗?我们在自己的psyche中“把握”另一个psyche吗?but I'm not a philosopher。

作为一个过程,是互相对话吗?作出诠释吗? but I'm not a hermaneutist

是考察context,梳理事实,在脉络中重建吗?but I'm not a historian.

给出抱持性的情感回应吗?but I'm not a therapist.

站在更好地认识事实的立场上看,那种“顿悟”式的瞬间常常是幻觉。它们并不让我们对于发生了什么和是怎样的有更准确的把握。The "Aha" moments are more often misguiding than we are aware of.

在Empathy的语境下,一个完整、真诚的人能够去理解另一个完整、真诚的人。那么精神病患呢?艺术作品呢?我们对“理解”这个事的强调,难道不是有时候在谈论击中、击穿、击落?

我能对这个问题做什么?我能去描述、分析、实践它么?



倾诉欲、想给人写长信。昨天忍不住又去重温denovo的blog。看到自己14年留的言和她的回复。灯塔一样的、我倾慕过和想成为的人。也在今天意识到成为不了她那样的人,起初意识到无能力、接着意识到无必要。也渐渐开始有点明白后来发生了什么、为什么dive into the darkness,开始一个一意孤行的Project、关心的问题和对事物的观点态度大幅转向。但灯塔仍是灯塔,a reminder of what I wished to achieve, and was capable of.


还想到了王子耕、轻芒、Sebald、波士顿组、本雅明、比昂、康。有神论的德国和有神论的俄罗斯。Psychoanalysis。


And if one regards empathy as the foundation of human relatedness, we are in effect asking – what is the bedrock of bedrock? On what is empathy itself founded? The answer is surprisingly straightforward: Authenticity. Authenticity is basic to empathy. Without authenticity, nothing works. Not even empathy.

For those who simply cannot stand the suspense of knowing that empathy is not compassion and wanting then to have a definition of empathy, here is the proposal that will be developed in this series. Empathy is the form of authentic human relatedness in which one person is receptive in a vicarious experience to the experience of the other person in which this vicarious experience is processed further in understanding of the other person as a possibility [empathic understanding], appreciates the perspective of the other person from the other’s point of view [the folk definition of empathy as talking a walk in the other’s shoes], and responds in such a way that the other person gets her or his own experience back from the listener in a form that is recognized as one’s own. 


又想到索拉里斯星,又想到Lem。“你不能爱一个人仅仅因为TA值得被爱”。





抄一段Sebald访谈 看到最后一段讲heterogeneous立马就想到“转益多师”来


If you look at a dog following the advice of his nose, he traverses a patch of land in a completely unplottable manner. And he invariably finds what he’s looking for. I think that, as I’ve always had dogs, I’ve learned from them how to do this. [Audience laughter.] And so you then have a small amount of material, and you accumulate things, and it grows; one thing takes you to another, and you make something out of these haphazardly assembled materials. And, as they have been assembled in this random fashion, you have to strain your imagination in order to create a connection between the two things. If you look for things that are like the things that you have looked for before, then, obviously, they’ll connect up. But they’ll only connect up in an obvious sort of way, which actually isn’t, in terms of writing something new, very productive. So you have to take heterogeneous materials in order to get your mind to do something that it hasn’t done before. That’s how I thought about it. Then, of course, curiosity gets the better of you.


然而我们还是要继续生存下去,还是要继续做那些没有意义的事情,正如同泰坦星上,Salo最终还是要选择复活过来,在Rumfoord消失的地方,做一件是个人都知道没有意义的事情:把Rumfoord想知道的那个秘密消息大声念出来,即使他已经听不到。Greetings.

Quote abt. Marry Poppins

In the original books, Mary is described as plain and vain with big hands and feet and a well-pressed but unflattering wardrobe. She is terse, punitive, and contradictory. Her arrival does not result in the restoration of perceived norms or the transcendence of family tensions. In fact, if you look beneath the surface, you see that Mary’s impact leads not to the maintenance of the status quo but to its disruption. Mary appears to be a prim and proper guardian who embraces the notion of keeping children in their ‘proper place,’ but in actuality she creates opportunities for Jane, Michael, Barbara, John, and Annabel to explore the unknown.[2] Mary Poppins is perceived as a confident authoritarian who knows all, yet she introduces the children to experiences beyond their comprehension without offering any explanations, interpretations, or confirmation that they even took place at all. It is this arbitrary, perplexing, and paradoxical Mary who will be the focus of this essay. For she is the one who embodies more secrets, more shadow, and more depth.





It is with the unceremonious introduction of Mary Poppins that the children’s perception of the distinction between the real world and the world of make-believe narrows and their sense of imagination and possibility expand.

One element of depth psychology is developing a relationship with the unknown. Where the conscious mind is one of fact, proof, causality, and absolutes, the unconscious is one of possibility, duality, synchronicity, and unknowns. Mary Poppins, although vain in appearance, avoids being vain in opinion. She takes the children on adventures that are bound to motivate their questions, yet she refuses to offer any answers. Thus, she forces them to derive their own meaning and distinguish their own reality.



Carl Gustav Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist (1875-1961) and one of the founders of depth psychology, dedicated his career to legitimizing the therapeutic value of studying the invisible influences of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Refusing to accept the prevalent assumption that “consciousness is sense and the unconscious is nonsense” (Jung, 1964, p. 102), Jung searched for creative ways to uncover, engage, and integrate the relevant information and powerful wisdom he believed to be hidden in the depth of the psyche. While he was going through a period of struggle and stagnation in his own life and failing to find the guidance he was seeking in the external world, Jung began to listen to the voices that originated from within, actively engaging them in imagined dialogues. Jung used this process called active imagination to bypass the limitations of the ego’s logical intelligence, critical judgment, and linear reality (Jung 1963/1989). While conversing with these psychic characters, their names and personalities became known and previously repressed insights were revealed. This technique of inviting one’s internal longings, complexes, and frustrations to speak for themselves has become an accepted practice in analytic psychology (Singer, p. 403) and can be an effective strategy for those seeking self-knowledge and expression. Active imagination not only provided Jung deeper understanding of psychological material, but also a greater acceptance of that which remained a mystery. It occurred to me that Mary Poppins served this function for the Banks children.


Mary is as a mythic figure, a trickster, a shape-shifter, a soul guide, and a psychopomp (a mediator between the conscious and unconscious realms), who activates the children’s imaginations, helps them to escape the restrictions of cultural expectations, and personifies their inner psychic content through introductions to unique characters and the experience of wondrous adventures.



抄一段Branch的discourse


http://www.branchcollective.org/?page_id=1535


BRANCH offers users an innovative approach to history itself, suggesting that any given bit of historical information can branch outward in often surprising directions. Rather than provide a linear timeline of history from the perspective of the victors, I wish to provide a history that comes closer to what Walter Benjamin famously termed jetztzeit or ‘the time of the now,’ an impacted history that explores the messy uncertainties and possibilities of any given historical moment (or of our interpretative understanding of those moments).[7]


quote Max Scheler,退一万步的common basis

As existing and as alive, we don't differ from each other.  


‘‘[I]n spite of the personal sub-stantiality of individual spirits, life in all persons [...] ismetaphysically one and the same life—if also multiplydivided in its dynamic direction’’ (Scheler 1923, 90). 




"The vital, the spiritual, and the intellectual bodily sphere"



再quote一段 Merleau-Ponty:

We mustabandon the fundamental prejudice according to which thepsyche is that which is accessible only to myself andcannot be seen from outside’’ (Merleau-Ponty 1964, 116).Scheler would agree. 


  • Money-Kyrle (1956) referred to empa-thy as “normal” countertransference and Little (1960) declared that“without unconscious countertransference there would be neitherempathy nor analysis itself” (p. 30). It is only through empathy thatthe analyst could establish transient trial identifications with thepatient and emotionally grasp his stance. Empathy, the prerequisitefor understanding the patient’s experience and formulating interpre-tations about it, was later elevated by Kohut (1977, 1982) to be anintervention per se with narcissistic patients. 


quote一段阿米亥,关于犹太的时间感。

前一阵想到inner time perception是跟dopamine系统有correlation的,先马克一记,日后再深究吧:



对我来说,写作中最重要的一个维度是时间。时间完全是相对的、相关联的。我喜欢用来描述我的时间感的词语是——戏仿“比较文学”——“比较时间”。我觉得,时间在想象中是相互比较的和连续不断的;我对往事的回忆几乎是感性的。我能够拣出我生命中任何一刻并几乎立即身临其境,不过是在情感意义上而言的。我能够轻而易举地切回到我的童年、青年、战争等等。这实际上是一种典型的犹太时间感,源于犹太圣法经传。圣法经传云:“圣经中的一切无所谓先后,”意思是说一切,所有,是永在的;过去和未来汇合于现在,尤其是在语言里。阿拉伯文化和语言也是如此。与英语、德语、或甚至拉丁语系不同,希伯来语没有复杂的时态和语态结构。在希伯来语和阿拉伯语中,大多数时态都围绕着现在时——从现在时到过去时或将来时的转换是很容易的。有时它们几乎没有什么差别;如在圣经中多次出现的那样,将来时被用来描述过去发生的。这种把过去和未来引入现在的意识界定了我的时间感——它在我的内心和诗歌里都非常强烈。